fastblog's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- beauty in God's eyes. so I'm not fasting. I broke my fast the day after I wrote the last entry (I did end up getting the mortadella sub, and guess what, it wasn't worth it). then about three weeks ago I took a much needed vacation about eight hours north of here, in a very very remote and wild place. I used to work up there and so I was familiar with some of the places, but others were new and exciting. I explored abandoned mines. and it hit me. I have struggled with body dysmorphia and eating disorders for much of my teen years. I can remember destructive thoughts and feelings of low self esteem from the age of 13 all the way through to the present, eight years later. I struggled with compulsive overeating, bulimia and anorexia. This behaviour stopped once I became a Christian and experienced God's al-encompassing love, but while I thought I had conquered it, occasionally those thoughts still lingered in my head. I have realized that the devil used these things to destroy my life for so long and would gladly use it again if he thought he could destroy my life with it. while not eating I kept experiencing obsessions with food and with my body and weight. during the day-long fast in the wilderness, I heard God's voice. I wasn't honouring him or helping the body he gave me by starving it and subjecting it to the beauty standards of this world. I also wasn't helping it by eating unhealthfully and starving. that day I also happened upon a copy of the Scarsdale Diet in a bookstore for twelve cents. it seems to be pretty healthy with ample protein and complex carbs, less fat and sugar. I am not going to fast because I cannot do it for the reasons God wants me to do it. I need to find other ways to glorify Him but this is not going to happen so long as I suffer from this mental state. in the meantime I have found a really good article on vanity and Christian freedom from aesthetic struggles. 7:57 p.m. - 2006-09-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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