fastblog's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- day 2: Champlain and the list of no compromise I am hiding away from the brilliant sun in my dark, cool basement. I am looking at wool leprechaun tunics and Ugg boots and thai fisherman pants online instead of cleaning my bedroom or doing laundry. I had a cup of lemon tea today with a teaspoon of splenda, which was momentarily satisfying and then set my stomach growling. it is day 2. I have lost about 3 lbs. the sermon today was especially hard-hitting. the point was to gauge our awesomeness in the world not by worldly measures of status (paycheque, grades, beauty, friends) but by how well we treat people. we are to gauge our relationships not by what we get out of it but by what we can put into it. I kept thinking about Marlowe, reassessing our relationship and replaying events in my mind. who was the fuck-up? me, or him? was it me who couldn't see his humility and attitude for what it was, or... ? it may not be healthy for me to dwell on this. we have only been broken up for 13 days. also he is 17 years my senior and that pretty much invalidates anything I say, acording to other people. apparently the spiritual discord and material, career-focused attitude are to be expected from someone his age. I don't buy it. I do feel better not thinking about him much though, mostly because lately it ends in me becoming indignant or angry. I need to try and find a way that I can love him as a brother and not constantly replay the moments of disappointment or confusion in our relationship. Attractive Male Christian Mutual Friend (herein referred to as Champlain) didn't help. I have decided not to call him or initiate email or msn conversations with him. I love him as my brother, but I am also intensely attracted to him and have been since we met. that, and he is friends with Marlowe... not that we can't share friends... but Marlowe has no close male Christian friends at this time, and I would rather that Champlain doesn't feel the need to choose between us. I went to church early today and sat in the front. not sitting with Champlain for the first time since I've started attending Underlake made it easier to sing and really worship God rather than focusing on whether or not I look like a fool and what he thinks of my voice. he is a very talented musician and I always worry that he's critiquing it. isn't that ridiculous? that, and his voice is amazing and sexy. I have a thing for deep male voices and... his doesn't help. anyways after the service, I ran into him just before he went to talk to the girl he's currently crushing on. we made small talk and then he asked if I had seen Marlowe lately. he mentioned having a "really good msn conversation" with him earlier in the week. that's where I stalled. I basically stuttered for a while and then just said, "I can't say anything because I'll incriminate either him or me." I know Champlain is curious about why we split, but I am afraid to give him too much detail. it wouldn't be fair to Marlowe. that, and I sometimes wonder if he tells Marlowe what I've said about him. the problem with Champlain is that he's exactly everything I want in a man, down to the T. I made a list (referred to as my exroommate as "the list of no compromise") basically stating the characteristics I would not compromise in a mate. for example, he must be humble, healthy in both body and mind, creative, mature, committed to waiting until marriage for sex, and involved in a ministry. not only did Champlain fit all of these requirements, but he also matches my less essential superficial preferences, like his height, his colouring, his body type, his voice... Marlowe fit none of my requirements. not even the no-compromise ones. he was a very new Christian, and in fact his commitment to Christ is fairly suspect. he was too submissive to me, and wanted me to mother him... certainly not fit to be the future head of a household. I dated him anyway. is it any wonder I was disappointed? I need to figure out why I keep going for the type of man who doesn't fit the bill of a future Godly husband, and who doesn't fit any of my own personal requirements. I set myself up for failure and then wonder why all my relationships are so fucked up. the best part is that Champlain doesn't want me. I asked him out months before Marlowe and I ever started dating, and was rejected. since then I've been quietly obsessed with trying to become the person he would be attracted to. 4:34 p.m. - 2006-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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