fastblog's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rage: the last few weeks some ridiculous shit has been going down, mostly with Marlowe. some of it is my parents too. it enrages me and has caused a cynical outlook, even more cynical than my usual philosophy. the attitude is poisoning my thoughts as I attempt to work through getting over Marlowe and forging a bond with my parents despite their dumbassery. I will try to explain as best as I can. more than anything, I am tired of deception. no matter what positive effects you get in the short term, you end up piling up lie after lie and the truth does come out (especially if you are particularly inept at keeping your story straight or your evidence under wraps). no lie is worth it. lying even destroys you physically, from the inside. I wish people would just find the courage to speak up, speak for others, for themselves, for what they believe in. I wish they would stop trying to get a free ride or gaining some petty thing and really see what their sin is doing in the long term. I wish people had a long-term view of things. I wish people would think before they speak. I wish we would talk to each other and, most of all, talk to God. if any of that happened, I wouldn't be here having to write this. I have started reading the Bible from the beginning. I am now partway through Exodus. it's been amazing, I am really start to understand God's character from reading the old stories and learning lessons through others' experiences. as I was reading in Genesis about the follies of Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob and his wives and sons... all I could think about was the deceit that these supposed children of God took part in. the next day, "coincidentally", there was a program on 99.5 fm talking about the exact chapters I had just read. the dude said that the reason their lives were so messed up was BECAUSE they didn't trust God, BECAUSE they were deceitful, and BECAUSE they relied on their own solutions instead of believing what He told them. I see so much of that in my life now, and it's all because no one obeys God. I will continue in another entry to talk about my experiences with Marlowe and my parents, as I'm sure this will get long winded... there is a lot to say. however, watching them flounder and fail because of their sin has really been a learning experience. I'm trying as hard as I can to forgive them -- forgiveness is a long hard road for me, as I tend to be not only stubborn but defensive. I am praying through it and trying my best to rest in God's strength. only He can calm my anger. in the meantime I am inspired to take better care of myself, be more aware of my actions, and praise God through everything I do. I have been eating better, exercising, moisturizing, exfoliating, flossing, and drinking tons of water. I have been taking more care in my appearance -- not getting all dolled up all the time, but abandoning the baggy jeans and holey sweatshirts I wore when with Marlowe and throughout my depression previous to and after our relationship. I have been tanning and using special creams and soaps in an attempt to eradicate the eczema-like blemishes that arise on my skin as a result of stress. I cut and dyed my hair. I have been treating myself by finding reasons to feel good about myself. most of all, I am relaxing and making an effort to be happy. it's hard. I am so full of anger and resentment lately. but it seems like all of a sudden, everything has fallen into place, in all aspects of my life. I can only thank God for that and continue to try my best to live life His way. 11:22 p.m. - 2006-06-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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