fastblog's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- day 3: vagrant men and kiddie porn today's hunger was the worst yet. I think I am going to cut out my daily tea (today replaced by coffee) because though it temporarily satisfies me, it only ends up intensifying my hunger. I didn't appreciate the loud protests from my stomach up until noon. that and mapquest is crap so I got lost on the way to my training session today. I usually don't go to the city for any reason, and never fail to get lost there. it's way sketch. magically enough, despite this and my embarrassment at being late and my frustration as the brutal traffic and the saga of the vagrant groupie which was to follow, I maintained my composure and ended up making the best of the day. I called my mom collect from a payphone and then panicked and called my superintendent, explaining that I got lost because of mapquest and I was outside the library and the doors were locked because it didn't open till nine anyway and I didn't know where to park and I forgot my wallet and there's some homeless guy harrassing me on the street. she called my chief who came out and saved me. the homeless dude was funny and weird and scary. I felt naked without my workplace weapons. he intercepted me outside of the library and asked where I was going, then asked if I had a smoke. then he led me across the street to the payphone and was like "hey baby, it'll be alright. you help me and I'll help you." and he started blathering about how he needed to get to the casino as I was on the phone with my super. I did want to help him but I had no wallet -- I had left it on my desk in front of my computer after ordering boots from the internet and accidentally requesting the $10 priority shipping. and I didn't really want to give him a ride as I had horrid visions of some sort of attempted rape or robbery or car theft. the training itself was alright. it was kind of cool to hang out with work people in a non-work setting. I also felt rather accepted by them, as they all questioned after my absence in the morning and asked it I would be going out for beers with them after. I didn't think drinking would be wise while fasting, but I didn't tell them that, and merely declined the offer. it's nice to be wanted though. for a while I felt some slight pressure to fit in but decided I didn't care when I realized most of them were extremely bitter, extremely petty and worldly people. okay, that's harsh. but they can be, and I knew that the friendship I could get from them is not friendship that would enrich my life. still, I am enjoying the camaderie and the casual comfort I share with them. I was really convicted today in the training lectures. it was as if God placed a running theme in my life through this fast... first yesterday's sermon, and now this. the focus was on our agency's values (professionalism, respect, integrity) and a lot of it had to do with learning how to talk to people and diffuse difficult situations while keeping these values intact. once again I've been forced to examine the way I treat people at work. somewhere along the way I decided that it was easier to be hard and cold and to not let certain criminal members of the travelling public get the best of me the way they sometimes did in the beginning. I don't like this side of me. it's one that shows itself in my personal life too, more often than not. we did have to watch a slide show about new obscenity laws and changes to kiddie porn legislation. the person who led the seminar was all about it, and I can't help but think that he took this job to be able to look at countless scat pics and snuff films. he insisted on providing visual examples, and I'm ashamed to say that some of them aroused me (the bondage ones, not the scat or snuff or any of the other crazy shit we had to assess). it didn't help that my attractive coworker was sitting next to me jiggling his leg, which kept brushing up against mine. it was a real struggle. I had to pray hard. my body is doing some interesting things lately. I actually have more constant energy than I thought I would, but I also feel rather emotionally subdued (in a positive way). I cleaned the huge bathroom in my house, really thoroughly (it took me three hours) and I'm not worn out yet. I'm about to go take the dog for a nighttime walk at the park. I'm going to roll up a joint before I go. I haven't smoked pot since a while before the fast started, and I wonder if it will affect me differently. cigarettes didn't. we shall see. my body is also emptying itself slowly in the form of small, muddy bowel movements. it's kind of frustrating. but all in all I feel amazing and the hunger from this morning has subsided. 10:54 p.m. - 2006-05-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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