fastblog's Diaryland Diary


new fast! : day 6

technically it is Day 7 now, as it's the morning of July 31st, but I haven't gone to bed yet so in my head it's still the 30th and I will write about the events of Days 5 and 6.

I woke up the morning of the 5th in intense pain. my back was stiff, my arms were sore and I could barely move my legs. my hamstrings are STILL sore. I guess all that housework I did on Day 4 wasn't the best idea, even though it needed to be done. I am glad I accomplished what I did because it took some of the burden off the rest of my family and helped ease the stress of today's house tour since some of the work was already done. I have also found that I enjoy the feeling of motivation, focus, and satisfaction when I accomplish something more than I usually do. but MAN I could barely get out of bed! then I had to go to work and did as little as possible. I just hobbled around. people kept asking me whether I was okay and I just told them I was tired, as I don't think most of them would understand my goal of forty straight days without eating.

anyways, I have learned my lesson for sure. my lower back and thighs keep reminding me to take it easy. now that the house showing is over, I won't feel as guilty about doing nothing but sleeping and reading in my spare time. though the hunger is almost non-existent, the fatigue is a constant reminder of what I'm doing.

I am kind of avoiding hanging out with anyone outside of work. part of this is fast-related, as social outings seem to always involve food and it is going to be really awkward to explain to people why I'm not eating. part of it is that a lot of my friends are people I have previously dated, slept with or had some other romantic drama with, and I just want all the romantic drama to STOP. and part of it is that they just Don't Get It. I have a hard time hanging out with people whose focus in life revolves around gossip, money, sex, or their own self-caused problems. as a Christian I should probably be hanging out with them in the hopes that I can convert them or something (or so other Christians might advise). it's not that they're not Christians, it's just that... I feel like my focus and drive in life has radically changed, and they just can't share that. nor can I share the things they are interested in. I have changed and it's not a bad thing but it makes social interaction hard.

luckily I have been able to have some conversations with a dude I work with. we randomly started to talk about church one day and it turns out he is pretty into it. he lent me a book on the apocalypse that I haven't yet finished reading but so far it's boggling my mind. the dude (we shall call him S -- that's nice and anonymous eh?) has always been pretty cool and laid back and now we have this whole new connection which is awesome. lately whenever we work night shifts together we sit outside and chain smoke and talk about God, the universe, the end times, whatever. it is truly amazing and I thank God for it. neither of us are stunningly articulate (especially me, I use the words "like" and "you know" and "thing" a lot) but we Get It anyway and that is incredibly special to me.

it's kind of funny, I was just browsing through the old entries from the first fast and kind of laughing about Back Then and how much different things were. summer is always pretty magical and my life tends to change radically. this summer has brought a new mellowness and peace. I also find I have been focusing on the way I treat people, as I outlined in previous entries, and feel better for it. life is easier too. my home life is happier and work is less stressful because I refuse to get up in anyone's face and things just de-escalate from there. it is a good way to be.

the only thing that worries me is the coming school year. I love school and am excited for it. but I may have some classes with Marlowe, and I am kind of dreading it. I am pretty much over everything but still a little peeved at the way everything ended -- that is, he provoked me and threatened to switch schools until I yelled at him for being manipulative, and then he disappeared off the face of the planet... but not before sending a cryptic and emo "bye forever" email to me, Champlain and Champlain's worship pastor, L, who had been mentoring Marlowe.

I have pretty much lost any respect for Marlowe in between the way he behaved while we were dating and the way he behaved after I broke up with him. I no longer have any rage towards him, but I just don't respect him and that makes it hard to want to be around a person. I know I can treat him civilly but I have an inkling, based on past incidents, that he is going to make it difficult. then again he DID threaten to drop out and move because I didn't love him (or something) so he might not even be there. we shall see. basically I just don't want any drama and I am hoping that after four months of not seeing or speaking to each other, he'll get over himself and be able to leave things where they lay.

another thing I noticed in previous entries was my physically unhealthy approach to the last fast. taking nothing but water has helped me more than drinking tea, coffee etc did. I also ate lots of vegetables and fruits before this fast, so I am guessing my body is having an easier time of adjusting to what's going on. finally, I have decided that marijuana has no place in this fast. I don't care if other people do it (unless I'm at work) and I did enjoy it, but I need to be clear-headed at all times. I want to be intoxicated by God and only God, influenced by Him and only Him.

another thing I am noticing is that saturating myself in Christian literature, music and talk radio has been helping me focus. sex is still distracting but having not indulged in a while, it is easy to ignore. an attractive coworker touched my arm today and I was like HELLO but I didn't want to pursue it. sex and all things sex-related are increasingly just an unwelcome distraction to the direction my life needs to be going in right now. I suppose that sounds prudish or frigid or whatever, but for someone whose downfall is usually in some sexual form, it is truth. it's a demon for me and it's something I have to be cognizant of. wrecking people's marriages, cheating on people, and otherwise wreaking havoc tends to come easily for me, or has in the past. I have of course changed a lot and I would love to keep things that way. I am not "slutty" per say but I am very sensual and sexual -- while it is hard to deny that part of myself, I know it's just not what I need right now. there are some things I have to work through that I am hoping to resolve through the fast.

today at work I was thinking: if God called me to end the fast early, would I obey? the obvious answer is YES because obedience is the way and also I miss eating so it would be cool. but I know it would be difficult. I crave the change in focus, the humility, the shift that fasting is supposed to bring. already I feel so different, think and act differently, and I don't want to go back to the way I was. I am also enjoying the weight loss and would hate to sabotage that. but the question really made me consider whether I am doing this to honour God or for my own glory. I am going to have to be constantly aware of that as I go. I believe this is right -- I have felt that I needed to do this for a while, and the feeling only grew stronger, even when I failed initially. but I have to make sure that my head and heart are always with God as I do it.

2:05 a.m. - 2006-07-31


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