fastblog's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- new fast! : day 7 : intimacy, mortadella and gas (oh my) where do gas and hiccups come from if you aren't eating any food??? I am doing good, but having cravings for a sub from the deli I used to work at. foot long shaved hot mortadella on white, mozzarella onion lettuce tomato and extra mayo... mmm. it's kind of interesting to me that my cravings change as time goes on. a little while ago I was craving sweet things like Lindt white chocolate and pineapple juice; yesterday and today I seem to want things with lots of fat, like sandwich meat, mayo, cheese, and fast food hamburgers. anyways I am way less tired, and don't get any hunger pains or growling stomachness really, though I do find a lot of my mental energy is spent thinking about food. that's probably bad. I wonder if the humility of fasting comes not only in the denial of solid food and delicious tastes and textures, but in knowing that we are so weak and easily distracted that we are not nearly as stoic, stable, God-minded and obedient as we like to believe. this experience is definitely causing me to rethink a lot of my opinion of myself and how much of my attention I really give to God. I was 167 lbs today. I've lost thirteen pounds in seven days and am lighter than I've been for two years. it's kind of a cool feeling. I like what I see in the mirror, and I am enjoying the ease of carrying myself and excited to see how much weight I lose. but at the same time, I'm a little worried. I don't want to hurt myself, I don't want to weaken myself, and I certainly don't want to go back to my old eating habits after this is done. I'm also a little worried about screwing up my metabolism. I guess we shall see what happens. so other than all that, I feel good. I am fairly clear-headed and don't feel weak. I find that having lots of sleep helps. I slept for almost twelve hours last night and was almost late for work! this week has actually flown by so I am hoping the next 33 days will, too. I don't care what anybody says, thirty three days? is a LONG TIME. I am hoping that this energy keeps up and that I don't have any "cleansing crises" like I've read about until I have a day off and can rest through it. more than anything I worry that this is going to affect my job. it occured to me that I would very much enjoy a full time position with them so I want to do my best while I'm there. I figure I should give myself an enema. I bought one in May along with a pregnancy test... I got the dirtiest look ever from the cashier at the drug store! I am not too keen on the enema idea but all the Christian and new-agey fasting sites recommend enemas to flush toxins or assist cleansing or whatever. so maybe I'll do that tomorrow. you know that coworker I was talking about yesterday, who grazed my arm? I saw him shirtless today and giggled about it. he is exceedingly attractive but I don't really want him. I am sorta being tempted by S though. he is married and has kids so I didn't pursue out connection even though I would love too... then yesterday he said something about how he and his wife don't really talk abot spiritual things and then was like "just as an example... if you and I got together, it would be good because we understand each other." keep in mind he is 18 years my senior. I like him and would love to be with him under different circumstances but homewrecking is not my bag! so I am hoping he doesn't try to take it further, for his sake. of course I would be flattered, but of course I would refuse him too, and then things would just be awkward. I feel the need to be a bit guarded now. I don't want to tempt S or myself, and I definitely don't want to destroy a family. in fact, I don't even want him to THINK about us together because I know even that idea in his mind could distract him from his wife. I know a lot of Christians don't approve of men and women alone together, especially in close quarters. my old pastor's husband actually made a promise to God when he was 15 that he would not even touch a woman unless he was sure she would be his wife. and now, even though he is married, he will absolutely not ever be alone in the same room with a female unless someone is present. it's admirable but extreme. I wonder how feasible it really is though, especially at work. we usually work in teams at my workplace, especially groups of two. I do find a lot of my "trouble" with men stems from me being alone in a room with them, usually doing something completely not romantic or sexual at all (think work environment) and then somehow it becomes drama! in fact, thinking back, most of my drama started when I began hanging out one-on-one with someone who wasn't my S.O at the time, or who had a significant other. it started innocently and blossomed. is this a standard I need to set for myself? do I want to do that? I get along better with men than I do women so it would suck... I enjoy the intimacy I have with S, for example, and it just wouldnt be possible with someone else there. but maybe that's the point. maybe that kind of ultimate, absolute openness and trust needs to be reserved for one's spouse. not that we need to be cold to others, or not have friendships, but... that's what the gift of a spouse is. we are told to keep sex for marriage, but I think intimacy goes along with that, both emotional and physical. investing too much emotionally in someone outside a marriage relationship can really damage that relationship, I think. and it bothers me to think that my parents can't be intimate, not in a sexual way but in a trusting way, in an endless-conversations-about-anything-and-everything way. it bothers me that S can talk to me about things he can't talk to his wife about. and maybe that explains a lot of Champlain's behaviour. maybe he is right to keep me at a distance. I guess this is something I have to figure out, because it would solve a lot of my problems... and at this rate, I need to figure it out SOON because I am getting thinner and thinner and therefore more attractive. I think I should keep this standard during the school year and within my relationships with my exes too, that would diffuse a lot of the awkwardness. And surrender we must. This process has nothing to do with fasting. I can fast any time. But these days are the most unique and important days in my life. And it is a once only opportunity. The same situation and circumstances will never happen again I thank God for this blessing. For as I have heard and repeated so many times, this process has nothing to do with eating or not eating, drinking or not drinking. This is a spiritual initiation. But to read it and repeat it is still not understanding it. Only one who has experienced the process can understand it. 12:42 a.m. - 2006-08-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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